Pairings : Jaemin (main), Homin, Minsu
Rating : NC-15
Genre : Alternative universe, angst, romance.
Warning : twincest
Summary : After escaping from their prison, Jaejoong and Changmin want nothing more than forget about their past. But they will have to learn to deal with their new life as fugitives as well as unrequited feelings…
Author's note : I'm sorry it took me so long to write this. I couldn't find a good ending, and I'm still not satisfied with it... But I couldn't delay it even more. Anyway. I hope you enjoy reading this fic !
It’s all about being family (sequel)
I spent the next few days watching the house where Yunho had gone to the day I had followed him. I didn’t see him come out, so I assumed either he had left the next day early in the morning, before I arrived, or he was still inside. One thing was sure, nobody came to visit him.
I stayed there the whole day long, having nothing else to do, and I tried to stay in the evening too when my brother joined me, but he insisted that I go home and get some rest.
He had been giving me the cold shoulder for a while now, and I thought I knew why. He was worried I would make a mistake and be spotted by Yunho. So I had an idea. I gathered all the money I had earned by delivering milk and bought a cell phone for him.
As soon as he arrived, he opened his mouth to tell me to go home but I cut him by handing him the box with the cell phone.
“It’s so that you can always know where I am. I already registered my number in it.”
“Is it another gift from one of your admirers ?
He didn’t answer, but sat next to me with a sigh.
“Hyung, what is bothering you ?”
A long minute passed before he started :
“Aren’t you meeting that Junsu anymore ?”
“Junsu ? No, I told you… He left Korea-“
“No, he didn’t. He came to our apartment yesterday.”
“It’s impossible. He doesn’t know where I-“
“He followed you. He told me that himself. He asked me if I was your boyfriend. I… I denied, of course, but I didn’t tell him I was your brother. I told him I was a friend of yours. He was happy, can you believe that ? He said he was happy because it was the first time he knew something about you that was not related to school. He stayed with me for a moment, talking about school, and also about you. He really likes you, you know. He also told me that he felt very sorry for what he did at the party, in the car.”
“Hyung, I swear I didn’t do any-“
“It’s okay, Changmin-ah, I can understand you. Actually, I understood a lot of things while listening to him. I know why you went out with him. He reminds you of our little brother, doesn’t he ? He looks a lot like him, with his blond hair and round face, and there is also his cheerful and nice personality… I must admit I understand why you wanted to be with him.”
I stayed there, looking at my brother with awe and pride. I should know by now how well my brother knew me. I felt happy that he thought like me. I had always wanted to be like him, and with the years I grew so accustomed to him that I liked to think we had some special link. He was my other self, my soul mate. He was everything I was and everything I wanted to be. I wanted to be with him forever, and I yearned for him to feel the same, but I knew he would always reject me. He didn’t see me as more than a brother, like Junsu. I must admit that he was even afraid of me, of what I did and made him do.
I must have spaced out on him, because he suddenly waved his hand in front of me, and asked :
“Why were you angry ? If you liked him, then why have you been ignoring me these past few days ? You know I hate it when you shut yourself away in silence.”
“I was not angry, Changmin-ah. I was scared.”
I looked at him dumbfounded.
“Scared ? Scared of what ? Of Yunho finding me ?”
“Then of what ?”
“Just forget about it.”
“No, tell me, hyung.”
“I was scared of you leaving me.”
I watched his mouth stupidly, not sure if the words that came out of it where the same as those I just heard.
“Why, why would I leave you ?”
“Because he’s a good young man. He likes you. He cares about you. He has been your boyfriend for a year now and he wanted to ask you if you would go with him to Japan. He… asked me to tell you that. But I didn’t want to. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, hyung. I’m not leaving you.”
I tried to put all my feelings in the look I gave him after these words, and I think my cheeks were red, judging from the warmness that invaded my body. I had not felt so happy in weeks, and when he interrupted my day dreaming to tell me to go home, I didn’t even get upset. I went home alone, under the rain, but it didn’t matter at all. When I arrived home, I made some tea because I knew I would catch a cold if I didn’t, even though I didn’t feel cold at all, and then I went to his bed to snuggle his blanket that smelled like him until I fell asleep.
I was woken up by the sound of the front door opening. I waited for my brother to come lay on his bed next to mine to turn on my side, like I always did, but he suddenly let himself fall on me.
My thoughts ran in high speed. What is doing ? Oh, I remember, I fell asleep in his bed. Why didn’t he lay on me instead of using the other bed ? Could it be… He’s not getting up… He’s all over me, and he’s not moving. I can’t believe… It would be too good… Wait, his arm is hurting me here, I need to move him. Oops ! I think I touched him a little too low… Let’s look at him. Oh, his neck. How I wish I could kiss you there, hyung… Wait, has he by chance realized he is on me ? Don’t tell me he has fallen asleep on me ! But it’s true that these past few days he hasn’t really had a good rest, always working or watching Yunho…
Oh, hyung, if you are sleep or even if you are just pretending, don’t wake up yet, please ! Let me just adjust to your body, like this, and enjoy your warmness… Wait, you’re not warm, you’re far from being warm. I know you just came home, but… It feels like you were… soaked. Oh, it’s true. It rained last night.
I suddenly realized something was not normal. Why would he lay on me ? He always avoided my touch. Especially in bed. I opened my eyes wide and pulled him a little away from me to look properly at him. He murmured my name and fainted. His cheeks were pink. I pushed him on my side and turned my body so that I was now half on him, and touched his forehead. He was burning.
I didn’t let the panic invade me. I immediately got up and out of the bed, and installed him instead, under the blanket. He had taken off his coat, but his hair was still wet. I brought a towel and rubbed his head with it, then I covered it with another towel. I went to make some hot tea and came back next to him. I took his head in my hand, and lifted it up, then I made him drink a little of the tea. I was so worried that I stayed there for a few hours until I felt very tired. But I didn’t want him to get up and go to work while I was asleep. So I decided that for once, it would do no harm if I took off my t-shirt, lay down under the blanket next to him, and wrapped my arms around him. My feet looked for his until our legs were entangled, and I put my head against his shoulder, so that each part of my body could warm him up. I felt his body shiver, and rubbed him softly with my hands until I fell asleep.
The second time I woke up, it was once again because of my brother. He was all over me, once again, touching me carefully, kissing me on my bare chest, looking at my body with love. I thought for a moment that I was dreaming, and I didn’t want the dream to fade away, so I stayed still, but my brother looked up to my face and was about to kiss my jaw when his eyes met mine.
He froze, then jerked away from me and stuttered :
“I’m… I’m s-sorry. I don’t know what happened to me… I swear… I didn’t want to… You were in my bed, next to me, and… and…”
I touched his forehead and asked with worry:
“Hyung, are you okay ? Are you feeling better ?”
His fever had come down, thankfully, even though his cheeks were still pink. He suddenly got angry.
“What were you doing in my bed to begin with ?”
“You came home all soaked and fainted on me. I just wanted to warm you up. You’re still a little hot. Stay in bed, I will go make some tea.”
I got up and went to wash my face before heading to the kitchen side. While I poured some water, I asked:
“Why didn’t you buy an umbrella ? You could have fainted in the street and God knows what would have happened then. You keep saying you are worried about me, but what should I say ? And why did you stay out in the rain ? You should have looked for a shelter, or come home. Hyung, you’re-“
“I called Yunho.”
I stopped in my tracks and looked at him.
“Remember when we were still there ? How he would play with you to see who could memorize more numbers ? He gave you his cell phone number back then. I memorized it, I don’t know why.”
“So ? What happened ?”
“I asked him if he remembered me. He said yes. He said he needed to talk to me, to us. He said it was important. He asked about you.”
“Why would we talk to him ? He was our prison guard. I don’t trust him. I don’t want to see him. What if he plans a trap ?”
“Changmin-ah, he said… He said our parents… They have left Korea. For good.”
“Yes, I know.”
I felt a pang in my heart. Our parents had left Korea ? They had left Korea and left us behind ? Without a word ? Why ? Why would they leave us behind ? Did the kidnappers insist so hard to have their money back that they were forced to leave ? Did they threaten them ? What about Jaejoong and I ? Did they know we had escaped from there ? Did they know we were safe ?
My brother and I had discussed about trying to find them now that we were free. My brother knew where my father worked, and we could go to our old school to see Junsu and our mother. But since we had no idea about what was going on, we were worried that our kidnappers would find out and catch us again.
We had decided that as long as we had no news and no way to fight these guys or to pay them back, we would just try to do our best to live safely. But the fact that we now had Yunho had woken up our desire to know. We were adults now, we needed to understand. We needed answers. And there was only one way to do so. We needed to go back to our parents’ house first.
Our journey back there was full of worries. We wondered if we would be able to go inside. Maybe they had sold the house to pay the kidnappers ? Maybe they had left a message for us there ? Would I be able to go in my old room ? Would I find some of my old toys, or did they give them all to my little brother ?
Now that I had grown up, I had come to realize that I wanted children. I wanted to take care of someone, like my brother did to me. I wanted to be a father, and build a family that would reach my expectations. Somewhere deep inside me, I didn’t forget my father’s words ‘it’s all about being family’. I was not sure if he believed in those words as much as we, Jaejoong and I, did.
In my worst moments of sadness and emptiness, when I hated him and my mom for what they did with my life, when I believed there was no hope for tomorrow, when I even doubted if they had ever loved us, when I wondered if the first years of my life had been nothing but a dream… In all these moments, my eyes would always turn to look at my brother, and my father’s words would ring sharply in my head.
In these moments, my brother always looked at me with a smile and told me to study or to do some working out with him. He would only leave me when he was sure I was not thinking about it anymore.
My brother had proved that my father’s words were right. He had given them sense. He didn’t need words, like in the dramas I watched, to show me the world I could live in. More than the movies or the books, he had helped me build the world I wanted to live in. And that world wouldn’t include secrets or mysteries, I promised myself. I would be honest with my children.
These thoughts of hope and determination accompanied me all the way to our old town. However, when we arrived I lost my convictions and even though it was a small city I felt lost like a child in a shopping center. I had not been there for years. I was only twelve when I was kidnapped, and back then I was not allowed to go out like my brother. I didn’t recognize anything but I was afraid someone would recognize me. I couldn’t help to feel wanted.
After a few hesitant steps, I stopped and my brother, who seemed to understand me, took my hand in his and said :
“Don’t worry, Changmin-ah. You and I have changed a lot. It’s safe for us, as long as we don’t lose time and look like strangers. Let’s not draw attention by standing there. Let’s go.”
I followed him and we soon arrived to the big house that used to be ours. I watched it. It didn’t look as good as in my memory. The paint was faded, and the shutters were closed. Apparently the house had not been sold to another family yet. I wondered if there was still a spare key in the green flowerpot. My mom used to hide it there for me, saying when I would go to high school like my brother it would be mine. I searched for it and found it, though the flowers were long dead.
I looked happily at my brother, and gave him the key, but the door was not locked. We wondered why but went in nonetheless.
Inside, everything looked the same. The furniture was still there, which was odd since it was a very good quality. It could have been sold. We went to the kitchen, then to the different rooms. Nothing had changed. When I entered my room, I was surprised to see that all the belongings that were not brought to the apartment were still there. My toys, my books, my clothes. My bed was done and I recalled my mother telling me to do it every day because, unlike my older brother, whose room was always tidy, mine was as messy as Junsu’s room.
My brother didn’t let go of my hand, so we both went to what used to be his sanctuary, where I was not allowed unless I wanted him to kill me, his room. It was tidy, as usual, except for the pillow that was slightly on the right. My brother didn’t seem to notice, and I still felt like I shouldn’t be there, so we left and went to Junsu’s room.
We were surprised to see that most of his toys were still there. If they had left for good, wouldn’t they had brought with them his favorite toys, or at least his mister J. and mister C. plushies ? We had named them after our names because we wanted our little brother not to feel alone when we were away.
A terrible thought came to my mind. Maybe they didn’t want him to think of us ? Maybe they even wanted him to forget about us ? Maybe they had left us like behind with their past and wanted to start anew abroad ?
I took the two little plushies with me and we finished our tour with our parents’ room, but it was empty, except for the bed and the empty wardrobe.
We went back to the living room and sat on the couch.
“Hyung, have you noticed how their room is the only one that has changed ?”
“I think they didn’t plan to leave the house until the very last moment.”
“They have emptied their room whereas our rooms are still full of things that could have been taken or sold. My room looks exactly like I left it almost five years ago. Yours too. And it’s normal. But what about Junsu’s room ?”
“I didn’t see any new toy. They must have taken them and left the old ones behind.”
“I think they have left all their past behind, including us. It’s like they didn’t want to remember us.”
“They were in a hurry. They only took what they needed.”
“It seems more like they took only what mattered.”
He looked at me with sadness but didn’t refute.
I looked around, wondering where my parents would have left a message for us, if they did, but it seemed like they didn’t bother. My brother seemed to think the same, because he got up and told me to get ready to leave. He was probably thinking I might want to take some of my stuff with me, but instead of thinking about going back to my room, I stared at him. Something caught my attention. As soon as he got up, he had put back the cushion where it was, as if he had not sat there at all.
An idea popped up in my mind, and I ran to his room. I looked under his pillow and came back to him, handing him proudly a letter.
He opened it and read out loud :
When you find this letter, you mother and I will be far away. Don’t look for us, we’ll be doing fine. Just go to the neighbor and tell her you come on my behalf. She has something for you. I hope you will remember the saying I used to tell you : ‘it’s all about being family’.
Your mother and I are sending you our best wishes.
I looked at him dumbfounded. Our father was not the emotional type of man. We knew that. But this letter was special. It contained his last words for us. ‘Your mother and I are sending you our best wishes’. It sounded like these Christmas cards that we send to our family members as well as friends or colleagues, without really thinking about the words, only because it’s a must-do and because the picture is nice.
My brother was probably as shocked as I was, but he didn’t say anything and took my hand instead, ready to leave. I wanted to talk with my brother, I wanted to say out loud those words that whirled in my head. That our parents had lost interest in us, that they had abandoned us willingly. That once again they hid behind that awful sentence just to avoid taking their responsibilities. But I knew my brother was right. What’s the use to say this out loud ? It will only hurt us even more. We were free now, and our father had left us a last mission. I followed my brother to the neighbor’s house, and we rang and stood there, waiting for her to come.
As soon as I saw her face, I recognized her. She used to give me candies when I came with my mother to see her and my mother said I took good care of my baby brother Junsu. She always told me she liked me better because I was smarter than him, which made me believe she was as smart as me since she felt the same. I liked her, even if she was older than my mother.
When she opened the door, she didn’t wait for us to introduce ourselves, she took a look at me, then at Jaejoong, and said :
“If I am not mistaken, young men, you are the two Kim kids that left a few years ago.”
We nodded but she didn’t pay much attention, because she turned to see two little kids hanging at her dress from behind. She took the elder, who stared at us with curiosity, by the hand and lifted the younger, who was probably barely three, in her arm.
“Your parents told me you would come one day and said you might want to take him with you. I must say that with my three others, I am quite busy, but as they say, when there is enough for three, there is enough for four, right ?”
She turned her head to take a look behind her, but there was no one, so she told us to follow her inside. We closed the door behind us and followed her in a long corridor. She led us to a small living room. We sat on the couch while she sent the two kids to call for their big brother, before going to a cradle and taking out of there a baby that had started crying.
“He’s a good kid, you know. Always happy, always saying ‘thank you, aunty’, whenever I give him his meal. It’s a pity that I don’t have enough space for him to have his own room to study. He shares it with my two big kids, you saw them already. He likes to sing a lot. He is always humming. Ah, there he is. Junsu-ie, say hello to these two young men. They are your big brothers.”
A blond head appeared, bowing obediently with a smile and a soft voice murmuring ‘hello’ before looking at us shyly.
“See, Junsu, like I promised, they came to see you. Are you happy ?”
He nodded and smiled at us. I couldn’t resist and opened my arms for him to come to me. He literally jumped on me, circling my waist with his hands and tightening his grip as much as he could with a ‘thank you for coming’.
“You might want to go see his room while I heat up some water for the tea. Junsu-ie, why don’t you show them your drawings ?”
He nodded and took my hand before heading to his room proudly. Jaejoong followed us without a word.
We stayed half an hour with him, looking at his drawings and the toys he shared with the other kids. When I remembered the numerous toys that were left in our parent’s house and the few ones that were there, all torn or broken, I felt a pang in my heart. If my parents planned to let Junsu stay at their neighbor’s house, they could at least have brought him his toys. This woman, as kind-hearted as she was, was not rich. She couldn’t afford to buy him or her own kids toys of that quality. It was a waste. Once again, our parents had shown how careless they were when it came to their kids.
When the woman finished preparing the tea, she called Jaejoong and I and we went back to the living room, leaving Junsu with his little friends in the room, drawing.
We asked our neighbor if our parents had left anything for us, like a message, or if they wanted us to meet someone after her. But she shook her head. The only thing she knew was that she was told we might come for Junsu.
“It’s been more than a year already, so I kind of lost the hope that you would come, and judging by your surprised look when I told you about him, I assume you didn’t come to take him with you.”
I immediately looked at my brother and he understood my look. I would rather die than leave my brother alone. He nodded to me but he carefully answered:
“Auntie, we are very grateful for all you did for our little brother. Do you think you could keep him with you a few more days? We are not prepared yet, and there are some things we need to do. But we promise we will come back.”
“Of course, young man. Junsu is a sweetheart. I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t take him with you at all. If you think he would be better here, then let him with me. But I think he misses his hyung deul.”
Junsu came at the moment we were getting ready to leave, and said to me :
“Are you leaving already ?”
“Yes, Junsu-yah, but I promise we will be back soon.”
He tried to hide his disappointed look with a ‘thank you’ and a smile, and turned around to go back to his room, but I called him :
“Wait, Junsu !”
I opened my bag and took out the two little plushies.
“This is Mister J. and this one is Mister C. You know, Jaejoong and I are very busy lately, so we can’t take care of them like we would like to. How about I let them with you while we take care of some things, and when we are ready we come back and take you three with us ?”
Junsu looked at the woman who nodded and answered with a bright smile:
“Hello, Mister J, hello, Mister C. Do you want to come finish my drawing with me ?”
He grabbed the two plushies cautiously and bowed to us before heading back to his room.
We then left the house and went to take the bus that would take us back to Seoul. We didn’t talk during the journey back, we only held hands until we arrived to our apartment.
We took a shower, ate dinner, then went to bed. But I couldn’t sleep. I had noticed that my brother’s eyes were swollen, and when he lay down on his bed, he looked angry.
“Hyung, I think we should meet with Yunho.”
“Because we need to know why they left Junsu with us.”
“I think it’s pretty clear. They left Junsu to that woman and went abroad right after we escaped. Even though they knew the men would probably be after him since they had lost us.”
I didn’t say anything. I knew he was right.
“But what about the kidnappers ? What if they are after us ? Do you want to hide for the rest of your life ?”
“We can just leave this country as well, and start anew somewhere else. I don’t want to know more. The more I learn about our parents, the more I feel hurt. I am fed up with this.”
It was the first time that my brother admitted that he was hurting. And I knew why. When my brother and I were kidnapped, we thought our parents were working hard to repay the debt for the sake of two children that were not blood-related to them. There was still a sense of family between us all, and he could fight for our father’s belief in our family. But the moment they chose to leave Junsu behind, they admitted it was all a lie. They didn’t care about their family anymore.
I knew Jaejoong was scared because he had lost faith in the very sentence that had kept him alive for the last years. His anger was just pain that he tried to hide.
I didn’t want him to feel empty. I was the one who never really had faith. I was the one who was depressed. My brother was the strong one, the brave one. I wanted him to stay as he was. And we needed to know the truth to be able to rebuild a family, our family.
“What about Junsu, then ? What if they find him and take him instead of us ? We need to go and meet Yunho. He says he has something to tell us.”
“Then I will go alone. I don’t trust him.”
“Hyung, I know you have been texting him a lot while we were in the bus. I saw his name on your phone screen. You were trying to set up a meeting with him, right ?”
“I changed my mind.”
“Why ? Did he say something ?”
“Hyung, tell me the truth, please.”
“… He insisted that you meet him personally.”
“Yes, probably because I was the one who talked with him back when we were locked up. He was afraid of you. He probably thinks you are going to kill him if you go.”
“No, there is another reason why he wants to see you.”
“And what is it ?”
“It’s because… Because he loves you !”
I looked at him dumbfounded, then said:
“Are you serious ? … Hyung, I don’t care about him at all. I just want answers. Can you imagine me and my ex-prison guard in a romance ?”
Jaejoong hung his head.
“Tomorrow, we will go together. I promise you I won’t let him talk to me about anything but our parents. And I will never meet him again. Tell him we will meet him in his house at 9:00 a.m.”
I waited for him to finish tipping the message and put the cell phone back on the floor before saying :
“Hyung, do you think we can take Junsu with us ?”
“We can’t afford paying for your studies and for him at the same time, Changmin-ah. If you want to take him with us, you need to find a job and forget about going to university.”
“What about you, hyung ?”
“I told you. I can take evening classes.”
“Then I can too.”
“Hyung, are you sure you are okay with having Junsu with us ?”
“Of course, why do you ask ?”
“You barely talked to him when we were there, so I thought…”
“Don’t think too much, Changmin-ah. He’s part of our family. It’s out of question to leave him alone.”
I knew he would answer that, but I felt relieved to hear him say it.
His cell phone vibrated, and he read out loud the text message he just received. It was from Yunho, and it just said ‘Okay’.
The next day, we found Yunho waiting for us in front of his house. He had not changed at all. He was as tall and good-looking as I remembered him, and I noticed he was dressed well.
When he saw us, he opened the door and let us in. I was surprised to see that he didn’t seem to hold a grudge against us for the way we had knocked him down and then left him. He welcomed us with a wide smile that was mostly directed to me.
My brother noticed that too and started, hiding his anger :
“Let’s make it short. You said you had something important to tell us about our parents. We are listening.”
“I… Well, yes. It’s true. Have a seat. I must say I’m quite happy to see you both are fine. I was worried something might happen to you.”
My brother cut him :
“Something worse than what you did ?”
Yunho was visibly embarrassed by my brother’s behavior, so I reached for his hand and squeezed it briefly. He nodded and listened to him.
“Your… Your parents have left Korea only a few days after you two have… left. They have decided that in a hurry, so they didn’t bring a lot of things with them. They haven’t even sold their house. They left it for you three. That’s the least they could do, if you want my opinion.”
“What do you mean, us three ?”
“You two and your brother Junsu. Haven’t you found him at the neighbor’s house yet ?
“You knew about him ?”
“Of course I knew. I was with your parents when they asked the auntie to take care of him.”
We looked at him, surprised, but didn’t say anything.
“You see, Kim-shi and I were actually hired by your parents. We were their lawyers. Well, I was not a lawyer yet, back then, only a law student… But Kim-shi was my uncle, and he had been their lawyer, and also their close friend, for like, forever. Anyway. I think you know you are not their blood-related children, right ? They told me they told you. They have adopted you, but they didn’t want you two to be uneasy with them, so they told everyone that you were their true children. Even though, they never stopped looking for your parents. They said they wanted to be able to answer your questions when you would be old enough to ask.
Your foster parents decided to come back to their hometown and bought a house to live there with you two. Everything was going well until the day Junsu was born. You see, your parents belong to an old family, and the old families in that small town are very influent. Now you know how Junsu looks like your parents, not only in looks, with his blond hair and round face, and his small eyes, but also in personality. Junsu was always cheerful, whereas you two were always rather reserved. People started talking, and God knows how, they discovered that you two had been adopted.
They accused you two to steal Junsu’s inheritance. Of course, it was the opposite, but only your parents and Kim-shi and I knew. Jaejoong started being beat up every day, and we feared it would be the same for you, Changmin-ah, when you would go to high school too.
Meanwhile, there was that man who came one day to my uncle and introduced himself as your parents’ lawyer. He gave us your parents’ will, which said no one was to use any of your inheritance until you two were adults. He accused your parents to steal you.
We were convinced by your parents that you two would be the ones who would suffer the most from the situation. So when your father came out with a plan, we agreed to it. It was decided that you two would be hidden from everyone until you were adults. They provided you an apartment and everything you could need, and prayed every day for you to forgive them.
They told everyone that you had left the house and went to live with an old aunt of you. Things calmed down for a while. But your parents’ lawyer came back after two years accusing your parents to misappropriate your inheritance. He had found out about a secret account where your parents had put money every month since they adopted you. My uncle and I had asked your father to come meet us and talk about it, because your parents’ lawyer wanted to sue them.
My uncle and I didn’t know about it at all, I promise. We knew they used some of the inheritance to buy the house and to allow you to live rather wealthy, but we thought it was okay since they took good care of you. And they said that the house was on your name, Jaejoong-ah. But it seemed that the lawyer had enough evidence against them, because your parents’ known accounts had been frozen, and your parents couldn’t afford paying back what they took.
It was around those times that you two escaped. I think it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Your parents told us to look for you, but when we came to see them they had disappeared. It appears that they have used the money on that secret account to escape and went to the US. Your parents’ lawyer has not found them yet, but he will eventually, if you want him to continue. For now he just wants to meet with you two.”
Jaejoong and I stayed there, still. We were so shocked by what we had learned that we couldn’t say a word. We got up and left.
My brother looked at me and said :
“I think I should go back to work. You can head back home first.”
I nodded and left. I needed to clear my head, so I went home on foot. I was about to take a turn to our apartment, but I saw a little shop on the way back, and decided to go take a look. It was a cake shop. I remembered the time Yunho would bring us pastries and laugh because I devoured them in a second.
Yunho. He was a strange guy. At first he had appeared to us like a threatening prison guard. He was Yunho, the man with a gun. The man that watched us. The man that had helped kidnap us and lock us away. Then, little by little he became almost a friend. He tried to make us forget about our situation by telling us stories that happened to him every day. Yunho was like a window on the world for us. Yunho who had helped us escape our prison, even though it was unwillingly. Yunho that now said he had just tried to protect us from being harmed. Yunho, that suddenly appeared in the shop window.
I turned around, surprised, and there he was, in front of me.
“I’m sorry if I scared you, Changmin-ah. I tried to call you but you were deep in thoughts.”
“What are you doing here ?”
“I… I followed you. It was the only way for me to get to talk a bit with you. I mean… Without your brother around.”
“I’m sorry, but I promised my brother that I wouldn’t meet you anymore. Especially alone.”
“Please, Changmin-ah. Listen to me. I… I just wanted to apologize. I know what we did to you was unfair… I… Back then it seemed to be the best solution. I wanted you to be as much happy as possible, and not think too much about your situation, so I brought a TV to the apartment, and books, and even my treadmill. I didn’t dare talk to you because I knew you mistook me for your prison guard, so I feared you would just ignore me and hate me… and yet… yet you treated me well. You looked at me when I was there, you listened to me when I greeted you. Then when I noticed that you looked at my gun, I removed it. I wanted you to feel at ease. And it worked. You talked to me, you let me talk to you as if… as if we were friends. You accepted what I gave you as if it was gifts. You never despised what I brought or what I said. You laughed with me, you shared your ideas with me. I know it must sound horrible from me, but I wanted to tell you that I really liked you. It was not an act from my part. I was being honest with you. I swear it’s the truth.”
I looked at him in the eyes, and saw a tear that was about to fall. I reached out and wiped it with my thumb, but when I was about to pull back my hand he grabbed it and pressed it against his cheek, tilting his head. Then he looked at me and came closer until his lips touched mine. I froze, not knowing how to react, and when he pulled back he said :
“I’m sorry… I think… I think I love you.”
“I… I need to go home.”
“I understand. Can I… Can I walk you back ?”
“No, I would rather go alone. I need to clear my head.”
He tried to hide his disappointment and said:
“I’ll be leaving first then. Good bye, Changmin-ah.”
I watched him until he disappeared and headed back home. But as I was about to open the door, a hand touched my shoulder. I turned around, surprised, and was greeted by Junsu’s sad look.
“Changmin-ah. Finally I get to talk to you.”
“I thought you had left Korea already.”
“I keep postponing the moment. I wanted to talk to you. But I understand now why you were so busy”
I looked at him with a puzzled look, and he said with an embarrassed smile:
“I saw you and that handsome man just now. In front of the cake shop.”
When I realized what he meant, I hastened to say :
“It’s not what you think, Junsu-yah ! I promise.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain. I… I just wanted to apologize… About my behavior at the party. I think I was so stressed out by the fact that I would leave Korea for good that I couldn’t control myself anymore, and I… well, you know…”
“It’s okay, Junsu-yah. It’s forgotten.”
“Thank you, Changmin-ah.”
We shared a long look. I was waiting for him to say something but he seemed absorbed by my face, to the point that I started thinking there was something on it. I was about to ask when he said :
“Changmin-ah, did you like me ? When we were going out, did you have feelings for me ?”
“Of course ! Junsu-yah, I wouldn’t have gone out with you if I didn’t.”
“To be honest, while we were together, it always seemed to me like… Like we were not boyfriends but more like… brothers.”
“I’m sorry, Junsu-yah.”
“Changmin-ah, do you see me as a brother ?”
“No, you are-“
“Don’t say anything, just, if you ever had any feeling of love for me, then agree to my last request.”
“What is it ?”
“Let me kiss you, for the last time.”
I looked at him surprised, but then nodded. He looked at me for a long moment, our eyes were locked, and then, slowly, he came closer, closer, and kissed me. It was a soft and long kiss. When he pulled out, he smiled, cupped my cheek with his hand, and said:
“You were my first love.”
He took a few steps back and I saw his bike behind him. He got on it and waved his hand before leaving.
I opened the door and went inside the apartment, thinking I was too tired to fix something to eat, and went to my bed. I was taking off my shirt when I heard the door open and then close. I looked there and saw Jaejoong. He locked the door behind him and rested his back on it. Then he looked at me.
“Hyung, you’re home ! Welcome back. I was about to take a rest.”
I looked at him. His eyes were fixed on me. He had that strange look again.
“I saw you two.”
I was shocked, not because of what he said, but because of the way he had said it.
He dropped his bag on the floor and came closer. I wondered if he was talking about Junsu or Yunho, and tried to think of some excuse. He was now in front of me, and his eyes had changed. There were filled with sadness, anger, and something else. I couldn’t say what it was but I knew he was going to do something. He lifted his hand and approached it from my head. I thought for a moment that he was about to hit me, but then he took a hold of my neck, pulled me closer to him, and did the most unexpected thing. He kissed me.
I was so shocked at first that I didn’t move a limb. What was it with them today ? First Yunho, then Junsu, and now Jaejoong ? When he pulled out, I called his name, wondering if something had happened to him, but he looked at my bare chest and reached out his hand to touch it. He left a kiss on my cheek, then on my neck, and while doing that he pushed me softly back to make me sit on the bed. Then he made me lay down, sat next to me and bent over me. He stared at me for a moment, letting his hand go everywhere on my body, stroking me as softly as possible, then murmured:
“Can I ?”
I looked right in his eyes and said:
“We are brothers, hyung.”
“I mean, real brothers.”
“Are you sure ?
“Do you want me ?”
“Then it’s okay.”
He reached for my fly and stroked me softly. Then he resumed kissing me. He looked at me and caressed my jaw, moaning my name, and for the first time I understood what that look meant. That strange look that he had whenever I forgot to put on a shirt. Or whenever I touched him. That look that I thought was one of anger because he would tell me off about the risk of catching a cold, or get angry at me for any kind of skinship. That same look that he gave me when he watched my drawings, or when there was a couple in the TV that was kissing or confessing. I felt stupid to not have understood it sooner. I realized that all this time he had just tried to protect me. Because I was younger. I thought he feared me, but in fact he feared himself.
I decided to make up for all this lost time. I had been mistaken all this time. I thought he didn’t have desire for me. I thought he had some secret love and that he was trying to be faithful to him, or her. I feared the moment he would meet again with that lover, and ask me to leave.
I gripped him and rolled us around until I was on top. I looked at him and tried to put as much love and desire as I could, and kissed him. I touched him, and let his hands wander on my body.
I heard him moan my name several times, and when I spotted that place in his neck that made him react so much, I gave it a special treatment. I let him give me a hickey and moaned whenever he looked at me. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted that look on me. I wanted him to want me. I soon forgot about everything, and tried to make him enjoy this moment as much as I enjoyed it myself.
When we finished, we stayed in each other’s embrace, lying on the bed, and looking in each other’s eyes.
“I love you, Changmin-ah. I always have. Don’t think I didn’t desire you. I was madly in love with you. I think it started even before we were locked up. I dreamed of you every night. But you were so young… You only saw me as your big brother, so I tried to be as good as I could in that role. That is the unique reason why I rejected you, why I avoided your touch…I know you were hurt by my behavior. There were so many times I wanted to apologize for rejecting you like that. But I was scared I wouldn’t be able to hold back my desire. I watched you grow up, and become the fine young man that you are. You’re so wonderful, so kind-hearted. You never got angry at me, even when I ignored you or got mad at you just because I had no other way to hide that I wanted you. I watched you with Yunho, talking about this and that as if you were two friends, and I felt a pang in my heart, because you deserved true friends, not a talkative prison guard. But then I felt ashamed because I was jealous of him. Because he made you laugh, because he made you forget about our situation. As much as I tried, I’m not the cheerful kind of man. But even if he was our enemy, he seemed to be so at ease with you… He always brought you nice things, and good food, and whenever I saw you smile at what he gave you, I hated him, and at the same time I felt ashamed, because I knew he was just trying his best to make you forget about your situation. I hated myself for being so unfair to him and also to you. I wished you would look at me with that happy look, instead of that eternal despair that I couldn’t remove from your eyes whenever you looked at me. You can’t imagine how many time I felt my heart broken because of you.
When we were locked up, I sometimes didn’t sleep at all and spent the night watching you. I came closer, I watched every part of your body. I didn’t dare to touch you because I knew it would be the end for me. Sometimes I thought it would be okay, since we were locked for so long that even our parents seemed to have forgotten about us. You became everything that mattered for me, and I wanted you to look at me the way I looked at you. But when you looked at me, I only saw a young, innocent boy that had no idea about what I felt inside. I couldn’t bring myself to take advantage of you. I kept telling myself that there was only one way for us to be a family. I knew you trusted me, so I held on our father’s words.
When you finally gave in to me, you thought you had given me a gift. But it was poison to me. I kept reliving these moments every day. I couldn’t look at you properly. I couldn’t think of anything but your naked body on me. There were times I thought I was about to explode inwardly.
When we were free, I thought it would be easier. I let you go out with Junsu even if it hurt me. I thought you deserved better than me. I held back and worked like crazy at work and at the evening classes, so that I would be too exhausted to think about you.
I realize now that I misled myself. I only lived for the moment I would come back home to you. This apartment was ours, and ours only. So… When I saw Junsu kiss you like that… I… I lost my senses. I hope you don’t regret now, because I don’t want to hold in anymore.”
This was the first time my brother talked for so long. And it also was the first time he talked about him, about his feelings, about his thoughts like that. I felt so happy that I thought it would be fine if I died now.
I kissed him and cupped his cheek with my hand, and told him:
“I don’t regret anything, hyung. I yearned for that for so long that it seems like I’m dreaming. I love you, hyung, and I hope we can still be a family, even if it is in a different way.”
It appeared that our foster parents had stolen most of our inheritance. But with the help of our parents’ lawyer, we sold the house and were able to buy an apartment with two rooms in Seoul, and there was enough left for Jaejoong and I to study. Our lawyer said it would take him a while before he would be able to find our foster parents, but Jaejoong and I decided that he had done enough and told him not to look for them anymore. We wanted to forget about them and start anew.
We went to our hometown and brought Junsu back with us. He was so grateful for us to have kept our promise that he couldn’t find enough words to thank us. When he saw his room, he came to me and asked if he could kiss me.
“Again ?!” Jaejoong asked with a fake anger, and Junsu gave him a puzzled look. But he couldn’t understand and only watched me while I burst into laughter.
Yunho was given my cell phone number by our lawyer and sent me a text message every now and then. When Jaejoong found out, he asked me, worried, what was going on.
“It’s nothing, hyung.”
“How can it be nothing when he is sending you hearts ? I thought you had promised not to talk to him ever again.”
“Actually I didn’t promise that. I only promised I would not meet him again. And if you want to talk about promises, what about you and your promise to leave your work ? I thought I had made it clear that I didn’t want you to meet your boss ever again ?”
Jaejoong hung up his head, murmured ‘sorry’, then called out :
“Junsu-yah, how about a ice cream ?”
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