Pairing : Jaemin(main), Homin (one-sided)
Rating : NC-17
Summary : Changmin (12), Jaejoong (15) and Junsu (1) are brothers in a healthy family. One day they go on a trip and Changmin and Jaejoong are kidnapped. Shut away for years, they will share their doubts, their fears, but also their hopes…
Warning : twincest
Author’s note : So, after a lot of thinking, I chose not to make it chaptered, but make it a very long oneshot instead, with a sequel coming up soon. I hope you like it !
When I read again my old diary, I can clearly see two different parts in my life. The first part with my parents and my two brothers is like a nice dream that enticed me for so long that when it turned into a nightmare I couldn’t find a way out unless I had to forget about the first part forever. The second part is what my older brother and I have learned to be the reality, with its roughness and bitterness. But like my brother always said: “it’s all about being family”. These words left a crimson mark on my heart that will never heal.
On the day my little brother was born, I thought I lived a perfect fairytale, where there is no bad guy that wants to take power, where there is no woman’s weakness, where parents love their children and care about them equally.
Junsu was a cute baby. Back then, I, who was already 12, didn’t like babies that much. For a big guy like me, they were boring and dirty, and they took everybody’s attention. I called him cute because when I played with him, he always harbored a big smile that made him look like those angels we can see in church. My big brother Jaejoong, who was only three years older, used to tell me that when growing up, Junsu would become of great use for me. He would do my chores, play games with me and I would always win because I would be the older one.
Jaejoong had always been more mature than me. I was envious of him going out with his friends until 7:00 p.m. while I had to come back home right after school and do my homework.
One night hyung came back home late, with bruises everywhere, and said he had been in a fight. He explained that some guys had made fun of him and his family, and had said lies about him being illegitimate. He ended his explanation with a simple ‘I had to fight for you, dad, it’s all about being family’. My father didn’t answer and headed to his office. I asked my mother why he was not getting punished, and she only said it was because high school was so much harder and that I would soon attend it too and see by myself.
My family was very healthy and my father often said it was because he had built his world around his family. That’s what he tried to teach me one day when I complained about Jaejoong hitting me. He took me to his office and told me that my hyung was going through hardship in school and that it was a way for me to learn from my brother to defend myself against attackers, and he concluded that I should be grateful for him to teach me that before entering the real ring that was life, and added that line that would be so often used since then : ‘it’s all about being family’. I thought that that day I had finally understood its full meaning, and I was proud, since then, to think I was growing up fast.
Apart from these usual fights with my big brother, I have never experienced anything that would darken my life, and I was sure that the future would grace me even more. I was so wrong.
End of prologue.
My family lived happily for twelve years. That is, it’s not like we suddenly went through sadness. But some events happened more and more that ended the peaceful days.
Jaejoong fought more and more often. Not with me, though we still quarreled like all siblings do. At first it was an accident. He had bumped into a bunch of guys and they had criticized him for being so unworthy to get in touch with them. The second time he had defended his right to be in class against his comrades. After that he started fighting every day.
He was never punished but our father always demanded the guys’ names. I thought he wanted to go see them, but no. He seemed rather worried than angry. He spent more and more time in his office, alone or with my mother, who was more and more tired, probably because she was pregnant.
When the baby arrived, we all thought she would finally come back to her old happy self. But she started arguing with my father. I don’t know what it was about but she always came out of his office crying. My father seemed to age fast. He, who was always confident, became defiant, and his blond hair, which used to look just like my baby brother, turned into an insipid grey in only a few months.
It happened that my birthday was coming. We were in July, I was planned to start going to high school on September and I was looking forward to it. Since my brother Jaejoong was so mature and since I wanted to be all he was, so that I would be granted the same advantages, I wanted this birthday party to be perfect. That’s why when my father came out with the idea of a camp in the nearby forest to celebrate my birthday, I jumped to the sky from happiness.
Mom was against it, and she opposed that it was not a safe place for Junsu, but my father had made up his mind, and they finally settled for a men-trip. It would be only him, my brother Jaejoong and I.
On the D-day, I left the house hurriedly, because I couldn’t face the sad face my mother had been harboring these past few days. I was happy to be considered a man by my father, but something told me it was strange to celebrate a birthday without my mother, without Junsu, without a birthday cake. I thought that was what becoming a man meant.
When we arrived to the place where we would pitch the tent, I took a few moments to look around. It was wonderful. The nice weather allowed us to witness the nature in its raw beauty. The trees were so big we couldn’t see their top, the sun made the leaves sparkle, and we could hear some birds sing. Dad took us to a damaged trunk and told us it was a mark left by a wild boar, when he scrubbed himself on it. He spotted some other animal tracks and taught us how to make the difference. He showed us everything he knew and finally asked us what was the first word that came into our mind after that. And for once, we answered the same : harmony. Everything seemed to be fitting. Dad told us it was because the nature was a big family. Even if we knew some animals ate the insects, and those animals were eaten by other bigger animals, they all formed a big family and lived peacefully. He ended his speech with the now known sentence : “It’s all about being family”.
We eventually came back to the camp, we ate, chatted and told scary stories, and finally went to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up in a bed. For a brief moment, I didn’t quite understand what was happening, but when I heard my brother stir, I sat up and looked around me.
We were in a big room, each of us on a bed, with a big chest of drawers between them. There was a TV set on the left side, just next to the door, and a shell with games, video games and books. There was also a piano on the right, and a treadmill. At the back, there was a small kitchen, and a half open door that led to what seemed to be the bathroom. I got up to open the curtain and see what time it was. I found bars on the window. My brother, who was lazy, had not totally awoken yet. I went to his bed, sat next to him and shook softly his shoulder.
“Hyung ? Jae hyung ? Jae hyung, wake up. I think something happened.”
He opened his eyes and caught me in his arms.
“I gotcha ! What are you doing in my- Wait, where are we ?”
“I don’t know, hyung. We were in the forest, with dad, and suddenly I woke up here” I explained, waving my arm to the other bed.
He got up, looked around, went to the door, tried to open it. It was locked. He went to the window and saw the bars. He looked at me and asked :
“How long have I been asleep ?
“I dunno, I just woke up.”
He went to the door and called :
“Hello ? Is anyone here ? Hello ? Hello ?” His voice echoed in the silence.
He looked at me again, and saw I was afraid. He came to me and wrapped his arms around me, and told me not to worry, and that our father was certainly looking for us at the moment, that he would find us, no matter what, and that we needed to stay calm. I felt reassured because his arms were warm and strong around me, so I cuddled him even more, until I fell asleep.
I was awoken by the sound of a key in the door. I was still in hyung’s arms. He looked at me with an encouraging smile and murmured “see?” to me before looking back at the door.
Two men entered. They were tall, muscled, and looked unhappy to be there. Each of them was wearing a gun at their belt. The older one looked at us and started to talk, with a cold voice:
“You two better listen well to what I’m going to say. Your father owes us a lot of money. We want him to pay us, therefore we kidnapped you. We don’t want to harm you, but if you try in any way to escape, or if you disobey us, we won’t hesitate to make use of our guns. We hope you will be good kids and wait here until your father has paid.”
“I want to talk to him”, Jaejoong said with a wavering voice that he tried to make sound steady.
“Not until he has paid us. He hopes you will take care of your young brother, and behave until he has reunited the amount. He wants you to be patient and docile”, the man said.
“Where are we ?” Jaejoong asked.
“You are in a safe place. You don’t have to worry, you will be provided everything until you leave. Also, there is no need to try and scream, because this apartment is far from the city. You are all alone, nobody can hear you. We will come and bring you food every day.”
With that, the man went out a second and came back with two big bags of food. He put them down next to the kitchen side, and added :
“You can heat it up here. Now we need to leave. We will be back tomorrow.”
The two men bowed and left.
Jaejoong tried to reassure me by talking as if nothing happened.
“The place is nice. I have seen some brand new games that we can play while waiting for dad to come take us back. With a smile, he opened a box and said :
“Whoa… I love this one, I have played it once at a friend’s house. Come on.”
We spent the whole afternoon and night playing games. The next morning, and the three next ones, we didn’t quite worry. We spent our time playing and eating in front of the TV.
When the week ended, we started to discuss about our situation.
“Hyung, I want to leave this place. I don’t like it.”
“I don’t like it either, Min-ah, but what can we do ? We are lucky to have all this.
“Don’t you watch movies ? Don’t you know usually kidnappers tie their victims down and lock them in a small, ugly, dark room, and let them almost starve to death ?”
“You’re right. Why are they so nice to us ?”
“I don’t know. But let’s not make dad worry because of us.”
“Hyung, how long do you think it will take for dad to give them the money he owes them ?”
“I don’t know. It has already been one week, he will surely come soon, or at least be allowed to talk to us.”
“Hyung, I miss mum.”
“Oww, so that is the reason you are so complaining. The big boy wants his mama.” He teased. “Come here, I will cuddle you to death !”, he added, imitating the scary voice of the character in the movie we had seen the previous day, which made me smile. He turned my smile into laughter when he caught me and started tickling me everywhere.
“I bet Junsu doesn’t have fun with mum like we have together”, Jaejoong said after we finished our little moment”, and I had to admit that he was right.
We stayed in that apartment another week, then another one, and another. It had been a month now since we had been locked up. I was fed up with the games, hyung always won anyway. I asked him when we could leave this place.
“Soon, for sure. Because we need to go to school. It starts in a few days.”
“Do you think I will make new friends easily ?”
“Of course ! How could such a cute boy like you not have friends ?”
“Did you have a lot of friends, back then ?”
“Of course ! I was named the king. Because I was the strongest among my comrades. I had many fans. Mostly girls.”
“Hyung, did you have a girlfriend ?”
“I won’t tell you, but I can assure you there was no problem for me to have any girl I wanted. I’m quite handsome, after all, and smart. I had good grades. I even started studying Japanese. And English.”
“Hyung, is it hard studying there ?”
My brother knew I needed to think of something else. He knew I needed pieces of real life, so he told me stories about his teachers, his friends, his classmates, everything. He made me laugh with his adventures. He put his efforts into making me forget about our prison.
I felt lucky to have him, but I also wanted to have such great moments too. When school started and we were still not free, I complained everyday about us being locked, and asked him again and again when we would be allowed to go out. He always answered that we needed to trust our father, and that he was probably doing all he could to get us free soon, but my look told him I was not fooled.
He was so willing to make me stop complaining that he even made us a schedule and volunteered to teach me what he had learned when he started high school. Luckily, we had plenty of books about everything in our room. He started with English, because he said it was an international language, anyone could understand me if I was able to talk it. But I kept interrupting him.
“Hyung, when we are free, will you take me to America ?”
“Yes, if you want to, why ?”
“Because I feel like going there. I want to work there as a detective. Or maybe a spy.”
My brother didn’t answer, but smiled. That kind of smile that made me pout at that time because I felt like he didn’t believe in what I just said, but that he also didn’t deny me the right to have dreams, like all kids. Because I was a kid. Unlike my brother who was very mature and accepted life like it came to him, I was eager to live a thousand different lives.
He always tried his best to look confident and he always said that we should support our father but I kept repeating that I wanted to leave that place. I knew I was acting badly to my brother, but I couldn’t help it. I had tons of questions about our father, and also about the two guardians. But I was too afraid to ask, so I always put pressure on my older brother. He had asked the two men a few times about our father, but they just said that our father was working on repaying his debt and that we should wait.
And thus one month went by, then another, then another. It was already Christmas. We were hoping our father was planning to come bring us home so that we would spend Christmas with our family, happily, like it always happened in movies.
But nothing. Not even a card, or a message from our parents. We spent Christmas alone. The one day that must be spent with family. The one day that means reunion. Our first Christmas just the two of us. It has been etched in my memory, not because I missed my parents, but because that was the first time I saw my brother cry.
I didn’t complain that day. I expected something to happen, something that would make my brother turn his head to me with a victory smile, saying “See?” like he used to do because he was the elder and he knew better, because he was always so confident, because he was so trustful. I started hating my father that day. Because it felt just so unfair. Because it felt like he cheated on us, with his sentence “it’s all about being family”. Words that meant so much for my brother, but that showed themselves so empty in the end.
Months went by after that with very few words exchanged about our father. Jaejoong hyung didn’t stop talking, but he didn’t mention our father anymore, he didn’t ask me to behave. He didn’t need to. Somehow, I felt I had aged a lot in barely one year. I felt responsible of him, just as much as he had been responsible of me.
I stopped sneaking in my brother’s bed early in the morning, when he woke up and went to the bathroom, in order to enjoy his warmness and his scent, which felt reassuring. Because he didn’t wake up early anymore. He didn’t prepare himself for whatever should be coming up, be it our father’s return, or the men’s decision to kill us. He just waited in his bed, looking at the window.
The apartment, which was quite big, probably because they knew our stay would last long, seemed very small at those times. We were trapped in a hole, and even the sky looked torn apart, hidden by ugly grey bars. I have never looked at the door thinking it was a door, an entrance, a way out, because of the two men that guarded it, that seemed to the kid I was like the Cerberus from the stories my brother told me. In my mind, there was no way out of that place unless we created it.
I also stopped complaining about how many days were left. I stopped doubting him when he talked about me going to school. And though I don’t feel proud of this, I must admit it was not only due to my new found maturity. It was because I had other thoughts.
I watched more and more television, especially romantic movies and dramas. I liked to watch pretty couples and draw them afterwards. But the thing is I slowly noticed that my feminine characters looked more and more masculine. It’s not like I wanted them to be androgyny, I just liked to draw boys better. My brother had taken a few looks at them, but he had quickly looked away. However, he had been watching me closely lately, and his behavior was everything but welcome. He watched every single step I made. He watched me when I was studying, when I was watching TV, when I used the treadmill, or worked out.
At first I thought he was afraid I would grow taller than him. He had complained about me eating more than my share more than once. But when I looked at him, he would avoid my eyes and go back to his own activities. I wondered what was in his mind.
“Hyung, is anything wrong ?” I asked with curiosity, lying on the floor, finishing my last drawing.
“No,” he said nonchalantly. “Why do you ask?”
“Because you keep looking at me, but whenever I look back at you, you look away.”
“Who is your favorite actress, Minnie ?”
“Let’s see. I like Kim Mi Sook.”
“No, I mean, not as an actress, but as a woman.”
“I don’t know… What is the difference ?”
“I can’t believe you ask me that. Would you like to marry Kim Mi Sook ?”
“Because she’s much older, right ?”
“No. Because I don’t want to marry anyone.”
Jaejoong hyung seemed reassured by that answer. He didn’t stop his surveillance though, which started to annoy me. If I wanted some privacy, I had to go to the bathroom, lock myself inside and even then when I came out my brother looked at me with a strange look and resumed what he was doing.
I was fourteen now, and he was seventeen. He had been an early teenager, and I was just like him. My body changed a lot. I had a lot of new feelings, but I didn’t dare talk to my brother about them. I was almost as tall as him now, and the working out I did made me feel as strong as he used to be when he fought those guys in high school.
I found a book about self defense, and I started studying it. He watched me, and one day, he said :
“Do you want to give a try with an opponent ?”
He started teaching me how to fight, without always following the instructions that were in the book. I was amazed by his abilities, and asked him one day he was getting me in an arm lock.
“Hyung, did you learn this in high school ?”
“Tell me about your teacher, hyung.”
“I had no teacher. I learned on the job.”
“I needed to defend our family. Remember when I always came back home with bruises ? I had to fight with older high school students that wanted me to leave.”
“Because they said I had no right to stay in that school.”
“Why is that?”
“Because of my background. They said I was not what I pretended to be. I was not part of my family.”
“You mean, like adopted ?”
I stayed silent for a moment, then asked :
“Hyung, is it true ?”
My brother looked at me and nodded.
“Then why did you keep fighting ?”
“Because it’s all about being family, Changmin-ah.”
He turned around and headed to the kitchen side, turned on the heater and stood there, with a wooden spoon to stir in the ramen. I stood up, followed him and embraced him from behind. He froze at the contact, and I knew he was reddening, but I didn’t let go and murmured:
“You are and will always be my brother, hyung. When we are out of here, we will fight together. Because you’re right, it’s all about being family.”
The words seemed to resonate in the apartment like a ghost, the ghost of a father that seemed lost forever. Those words he had repeated so often it became mechanical. The more he told me to trust in our father, the more I had questions, but I was too young to be able to put them into words. How could he possibly explain to me why we had not heard a word from our father since we had been kidnapped ? How could he understand himself why even the two guards that brought us food looked at us apologetically now, as if our situation should make them be anything but stern and even angry.
“That’s it. I lost again. It’s so unfair…” I said exasperated.
My brother always won whatever game we played. This time I had chosen Uno because I had noticed that he had the habit to space out lately, and he had ten more cards left while I had only two, but then I don’t know how he did but he managed to turn the tables and leave me with more cards in hands than him while he got rid of his own. He didn’t seem to notice he had won yet, because he was staring at me, and instead of giving me his usual obviously-I’m-the-best look, he reached out a hand and put aside a strand of hair that was hiding my eyes. I looked at him and he looked back in my eyes, then said:
“You look tired.”
“That’s another way to say you look awful ? Thank you, hyung.”
“What did you do to your hair ? It’s cut any old now.”
“I tried to cut it by myself, because it is growing long, but I was not able to make a good job.”
“Why didn’t you ask me to help you ?”
“You don’t remember ? The last time you cut my hair, I looked like I was a soldier, and mom- … even mom was not able to fix the damage.”
This short memory should have made us laugh. But instead, it brought only pain and questions.
Why didn’t she send a word for one year now ? Why did it feel like she didn’t care anymore ? Did she know what we had been throw ? Did she miss us like we missed her ? Did she still think of us ? What did she tell Junsu ? Did he know he had two older brothers ? Or had he forgotten about us ?
I knew hyung asked himself the same questions. I knew he loved her, even though he always referred to our father when he mentioned our parents. He wanted to be a man she would be proud of. I had the feeling, somehow, that hyung missed her more than I did.
Usually, when we had those moments, either he or I would stand up and go do something else. We needed to forget about our pain, not remember it each moment. But not this time. I chose to speak, the spit the bile that threatened to suffocate me.
“Hyung, do you think she still cares about us ?”
“Changmin-ah, stop it, it will only hurt you.”
“But I want to speak. I want to say that I don’t agree with what they are doing. You can say that I’m still young, that I don’t understand much, that the grown up know better, that our parents do their best, I can’t help but think that if it had been me, I would not have born to let my children away for one whole year without a word. Sometimes I think they are dead. Sometimes I tell myself they might think we are dead. I overtax myself to find a good reason for their silence.”
“I know. But all we can do is waiting and keep the faith.”
“But what for ? If they have forgotten us, then why keep the faith ?”
“For us, Changminnie. For our own sake. I don’t want to die, and I would rather die than see you die. I want to see you happy, I also want to live a happy life. I keep telling myself something could happen. Everything could change for us in one moment. We are still young, we could overcome everything and make the most of our life when we are free.”
“I tell you what I think. I think nobody will come for us anymore. I think we should make a move first. If our parents don’t want us anymore, then our kidnappers might be tired of taking care of us. You think something good could happen. I keep dreaming that the two men come by night and kill us. I think we should try and escape from this place, before it’s too late.”
That was the first time I said it out loud. I felt like a heavy burden suddenly disappeared, and for the first time, some kind of hope.
One year had passed, and we already were in the middle of the second. I don’t know how we made it without losing our mind, but we did. I had grown a lot. I also had watched my body change, not only because of the working out, but also because I was becoming a man.
I still watched dramas and romantic movies, but I stopped watching them with my brother. It was all because of me, because I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed when I saw a couple kiss, or when they touched each other. I felt a strange feeling invading me from the depth of my stomach. The smallest hint of love made me feel like I was burning inside. When my brother happened to pass by during one of these moments, I didn’t dare look up at him because I was sure he would see me blush.
It felt strange. I used to draw every kind of character with his or her lover, in whatever position, even half naked sometimes, and it never bothered me to let my brother look at them. Now the least thought of someone having feelings for someone else embarrassed me to the point that my whole body would feel like being heated. I understood that my sexuality had something to do with those reactions, because the more it embarrassed me, the more I wanted to see, to watch, to feel.
I had found a book of medicine, and I had learned everything about the bodies of men and women. But it was not enough. I wondered if my brother had had a hard time like this when it happened to him, but I didn’t dare ask him. Something told me not to.
My brother noticed I spent more and more time alone.
“Changmin-ah, why have you stopped drawing ?”
“I didn’t. I just put them away as soon as they are finished.”
“Can you show me ?”
I didn’t want to show them to him because I had started drawing rated pictures and I felt ashamed that he would see them, but I gave him my folder nonetheless.
He looked at the drawers and it was like his eyes were going to come out of their orbits. He watched every drawer with a lot of attention, but in the end he seemed disappointed, so much that I eventually asked :
“You don’t like them ?”
“I do. I love them. I think you are getting better.”
Suddenly he looked up with a funny look and asked :
“What about me ? Do I inspire you something ?”
“Of course, hyung.”
“Would you draw me ? The way you want, you just need to tell me what you want.”
I told him that I already had, and I saw a glint in his eyes.
“I want to see them.”
I got up, went to the shell and grabbed another folder. I handed it to him and he immediately opened it.
There were all sorts of works inside. Drawers based on pictures, drawers I had made imagining us when we return to our parents, or at school. Portraits of him, and of Junsu. On all of them, I represented him confident, proud, and strong, with a fierce look, like a proof to the world that he was alive.
He was about to close the folder but he made a wrong move and a last drawer appeared, hidden by two others. I tried to take it away before he saw it but he stopped my hand. He watched it curiously, while I felt my heart beat race.
The drawer represented him laying on his bed, topless, legs entangled with the sheets, a blank expression on his face. I knew my brother wanted to always look strong and confident, but I couldn’t help thinking he was changing. He had always been a little anxious, and was always on his guard, ready to fight with the world. But somehow since we had been locked up in this apartment, he seemed to have some rest. He had lost his fierce look. I had observed him and tried to seize the mix of loneliness and emptiness I thought he felt that day, yet, strangely enough, it drew a lot of peacefulness. I feared he would get angry at me, say it didn’t look like him at all and I was ready to apologize already, but he just smiled and murmured :
“It’s my favorite.”
I will never forget this smile. It was like he was a totally different person. It was full of feelings I thought I would never see on his face : contentment, relief, hope, and something more that I couldn’t name at that moment, but that I eventually understood years later : love.
The spring went by quickly, followed by summer, the second we spent locked up. That day of august was extremely hot.
We usually stayed topless during the day because it was hot, but wore a t-shirt at night, because of the mosquitoes that came in through the window that was left open for some draught.
Our clothes had been brought by the two men in a bag one week after our kidnapping, but since we had grown up, they didn’t fit us anymore, so we were more comfortable with few clothes on. We had cut most of our trousers to make shorts. By chance we grew taller but didn’t eat a lot, so we were skinny, especially my brother, whose waist was really thin.
I was finishing a book while my brother was studying some math. I looked up for a moment, day-dreaming about what I just read, and my eyes landed on my brother’s back. I watched him from behind. His hair fell on his shoulder. He was wearing a shirt that was so tight that it defined each muscle of his back, yet he looked so delicate. He straightened himself, stretched out and turned around to take a break, and I watched his face. It was pale but beautiful. His big eyes reminded me of mangas’ characters, always very expressive. He yawned and his perfect teeth appeared, like the beaded necklace the feminine character of my book was offered. He was beautiful.
I was so immersed in the picture in front of me that I didn’t notice he was looking back at me.
“Stop looking at me like that, Changmin-ah. I hate it.”
I didn’t understand why me staring at him made him so angry, so I kept looking at him. I wondered how he would react if he knew I was actually admiring him. But I didn’t dare tell him.
Suddenly, he got up from his chair and jumped on me, holding down my arms and legs in a judo hold and fixed me with a funny look, a look that reminded me of those on the actors that were falling in love. But my brother was angry, right ? It didn’t make sense to me, so I asked :
“Why are you so angry, hyung ?”
“I don’t want you to look at me like that.”
“Like what ?”
He looked at me and I stared back, with a puzzled look. He tightened his grip for a second, then let go of me and got up. He went to the window, then used the treadmill for over an hour at high speed, then he went to the bathroom and locked himself in for another hour.
I heated our dinner and waited for him to come out, but he ignored me and ate quickly before going to his bed.
I followed him with a bottle of oil, sat on his bed, next to him, and touched his shoulder.
“Hyung, do you want a massage ?”
“You’re going to hurt a lot the next few days. Look, I brought some oil.”
“I’ll do it myself, he mumbled, before turning to me and taking the bottle from my hands. He sat up, pushed back his sheet and poured some oil in his palm and started massaging his right leg. But he was so tired his hands shuddered.
“Are you going to watch me ?” He asked, still angry.
“Hyung, you’re making a mess, let me do it for you.”
He was about to get even more angry, but suddenly he sighed and handed me the oil. I smiled contentedly but he ignored me and lay back on the bed. I changed my position, coming closer to him, poured some oil in my hand and started massaging him.
It felt good to finally be able to take care of him. I had felt lately the urge to be closer to him. I wanted to know more about him. I knew something was bothering him, but I couldn’t point out what, and it made me sad.
I had always admired my brother, and was proud of him, but these past years my feelings had developed into something stronger. I loved my brother. I loved him. I knew it because I felt more and more the need to see him, to watch him, to be with him.
I knew he needed to be taken care of. While he insisted that I eat everything, that I keep studying, that I learn to defend myself, while he got up at night when he thought I was asleep, watched me, then pulled up the sheets on my shoulders and went back to sleep, nobody and no one cared about him, if he had a dream, if he liked some kind of food more than another, if he would graduate without any teacher, just learning by himself by reading books.
I knew that, but I couldn’t comfort him. I didn’t dare touch him, since he had rejected my touch a few times. One time especially, he was sick and stayed in bed the whole day, so at the end of the day I sat on his bed next to him and reached a hand to his forehead. I wanted to see if he had fever, but he rejected violently my hand and told me angrily not to touch him. Since then I tried not to approach him anymore. I avoided being at the same place as he was at the same time.
He seemed to look for solitude, yet he was dead worried when I was not in his field of vision. When he was in the bathroom, he never lasted more than fifteen minutes. I thought he liked showers better. When I was the one using the bathroom, he would call me out several times and ask about anything, like if I wanted eggs in my soup, or if I knew where his book was.
One time he called me while I was taking a bath and since I was trying to sooth my sour muscles after a hard training, I didn’t give him an immediate answer. He became very worked up in a matter of seconds and pounded like a crazy on the bathroom’s door. I grabbed a towel, put it around my waist hurriedly and opened the door. He froze, his arms still in the air, ready to break the door, and stared at me.
“Why- why didn’t you answer me ?” He asked angrily.
But I knew he felt stupid, so I just showed him the bathtub full of water, and said :
“Hyung, you really need to relax. Why don’t you come and join me ? It’s still warm.”
I watched him turn around and go back to whatever he was doing, and closed the door to finish my bath.
Later, I was laying on my bed, watching a TV show when my brother decided to join me. He sat on his bed and watched the show for a few minutes. Suddenly, he said :
“Why can’t you answer when I call you ? What if something really happened and I didn’t know about ?”
“Hyung, it’s you who insisted that we lock the door when we use the bathroom.”
“Of course, it’s-“
“It’s not necessary at all. »
“If I happen to walk on you naked, you wouldn’t mind ?
“No, hyung, I said with confidence. Because it’s you.”
I had lied though. I didn’t know why, but the mere fact that he asked made me feel embarrassed. Why would I be bothered by that ? He was a male, just like me. And my brother.
Another year went by, very similar to the two previous ones. I was now fifteen and my brother was eighteen.
He was a man now, and the more I looked at him, the more I regretted being locked up, not because I missed going out, I had grown accustomed to that place, but because of him, because he had spent his life being responsible, and had been deprived of any kind of pleasure.
He had never enough to eat. He had no clothes that fitted him anymore. He had not lived those precious moments with friends and girlfriends, and he could never complain like me about our father, about our fate, because that would mean he had lost hope. So he kept everything inside.
However I could understand him through his silence. I could read underline and see how much he craved to go back to his old life. I could see how he, who used to be so confident, so proud, so fierce and yet elegant, who seemed to own the world, tried to keep his wings folded, in order to be able to walk next to me. I knew if he had chosen to let the men have their way with us, it was because of me, to protect me. There were times when I looked at him and it felt so unfair that suddenly anger would rise inside of me, making me want to break down the walls and scream “hyung, hurry, get away !”
I had stopped talking about escaping months ago, but the idea didn’t leave me. And I swore to myself that if I had the occasion to leave, I would not let it go.
It happened that one of the two men had stopped coming every single time. He didn’t feel the need to accompany the younger since we had never tried anything against them. They always came around 7:00 a.m. to drop off the bag with our food, took the garbage with him and left, without a word, but their hands on their waist, where the guns were hanging.
The older was indifferent, but the younger one seemed always sorry to see us there, in our tight, unfitting clothes. He pitied us, and the more time passed, the more he looked at us, trying to get our attention.
At first, when he started coming alone, I didn’t pay him attention. I was too angry at him for what he did to us. But my brother didn’t take his eyes of him until he had locked the door behind him.
I wondered why my brother didn’t relax seeing that most of the time only one of them came now, and the least dangerous. I started looking at him too, and noticed he was only waiting for us to make eye contact with him to start talking.
“I hope you like the food”
The next day, he repeated the same sentence, then the three next days.
When he saw I was watching his every move, just like my brother, he started asking questions.
“Did it taste good ? Have you enough with this ? Do you want more salt ?”
The day I answered his questions for the first time, he gave me a bright smile and said :
“I’m Yunho. I’m 24. I hope you will tell me if there is anything I can do for you.”
And little by little, I started answering his questions. I even asked him to bring some bigger clothes for my brother. He brought him clothes that looked very expensive, and that fitted him perfectly. I was so glad that day that I thanked him wholeheartedly. And that was how I started discussing with him.
At the beginning, he only stayed a few minutes, and only asked if the food was good and if there was anything he could do for us. But little by little he started talking about himself, about the other man, and about the news that we watched in the TV. I learned that the other man was his uncle, Kim-shi. I learned that he was attending a dance school, that he didn’t have a lot of money and that he worked as a waiter in two restaurants.
My brother didn’t like our conversations, but he never told me to stop. I guess he thought it was a way for me to somehow socialize. At first, my brother was very alert when he stayed for a while. But as time went by, he saw him telling us genuinely about his struggles with life, and describing us the city at night, with all the Christmas decoration, with so much details we almost felt like we were with him when he was there, that he eventually stopped paying much attention.
One day, Yunho discovered that I liked drawing and begged me to draw him. I told him to sit on the chair and drew him within half an hour, which he spent in silence for the first time since we started discussing.
I noticed that he was starting being interested in me. It felt like he wanted me to acknowledge what he said. I saw him blush several times when I thanked him, even for the most little things, like new books, or new colored pencils, or even when I agreed with something he said.
I was flattered to think he could be interested in me, but the more I got along with him, the more something seemed missing.
Until that day, when Yunho came back in the afternoon. He usually worked all the day and late at night, but since it was Christmas day, he had left earlier and directly came to see us.
I had spent two hours training with my brother, and he had taught me a new hold that was really hard. While he spent the afternoon resting on his bed with a book, I kept doing the hold again and again with a big plushy, and finally gave up and went to shower.
When I heard Yunho’s voice, I wrapped a towel around my waist and came out of the bathroom.
“Yunho ? Why are you here ? Did something happen ?”
Yunho was so taken aback that he opened his mouth wide but nothing came out. He stood there, staring at me, and reddened violently. I waited for him to answer but he didn’t seem able to. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me.
I suddenly felt embarrassed, not because of Yunho, but because of my brother, who was looking alternately at Yunho and at me. I was about to go back in the bathroom and grab a shirt when Yunho recovered from his shock and murmured with a stutter :
“I b-brought you a little present, for Christmas. I- I have to g-go now.”
He left hurriedly and I went to the bathroom to take my clothes and to put them on.
When I came out of there, I found Jaejoong at the door, his hand on the door handle. I thought for a moment that Yunho had left the door open before leaving, and asked my brother if it was open. But he didn’t seem to be trying to open it. Actually it was the total opposite. He turned around, rested his back on the door, like a bar that would stop anyone from coming in, and looked up at me, anger written all over his face.
“How long has it been ?”
I looked at him stupidely, not understanding.
“How long has it been since you first started flirting with him ?”
“How dare you ? I didn’t know you were such a slut, that you would try to seduce our guard.”
I felt so hurt by his words that tears started flowing down immediately.
“W-What ? I-I never-“
My brother went to grab the little box Yunho had left for me and tore it apart to see what was inside. It was a necklace with a locket and a message written on a small paper. He held it up and read out loud :
“I hope you will put a picture of someone dear to you inside. Merry Christmas !”
I looked at my brother, dumbfounded, my heart pounding.
“Hyung, I swear I didn’t do anything ! I… You were there all the time ! You listened to everything !”
“Then why is he giving you such a present ? Explain to me !”
“… I don’t know, to make me happy, since it’s Christmas ?
“Why would he care ?”
I suddenly felt angry.
“Why would he not ?”
“He likes you !”
“So what ? Is it forbidden ? What if he likes me ?”
“Do you like him back ?”
Silence fell on us like a heavy rock. We stared at each other for a moment, and I was about to answer him, but he spoke first.
“What about me ?”
I thought I had misheard him.
But then I saw tears in his eyes. It was the second time I saw him cry, and I couldn’t stand it. I ran to him and threw myself on him, forcing him into my embrace. He tried to push me back but this time I didn’t let him. I hugged him tightly for a long moment. When I finally pulled back, it was to see his tear-stained face. I looked in his eyes, then at his lips, and slowly, slowly came closer until our lips touched.
The kiss was soft, long. I tried to put all my feelings into it, to take away his pain, his fears, his anger. I knew he was scared that one day I would disappear and leave him alone, he had told me about it often enough. I knew he had lost everything he had, everyone he trusted, but me. I was the only thing left. I knew he was angry because he was scared to lose me too.
But I would never leave him behind. I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I wanted to kiss the pain away, everything, and erase everything starting from his first day fighting for the family. I wanted to see him back when we were still happy children. And when I felt the hardness through his trousers, I decided that I wanted to give him what he wanted.
I pulled back and reached for his hand, not leaving his eyes. I slowly walked backwards and led us to my bed. When we arrived, I pushed him softly on his bed, and let him lay down while I took off my shirt. I looked at him. He was still crying, but now there was something more in his eyes. Lust. Fear.
I bent down and started opening his shirt.
“Changmin-ah !” he murmured in a last effort, but I shushed him and saw him surrender.
I kissed him on the right shoulder, then a little lower, again, and again. I kissed him everywhere on the chest and on the stomach. Then I started touching him with my hands, stroking him where I had left a kiss, again and again. Then I came back to his mouth and kissed him softly.
I wanted to take my time. I wanted him to feel everything. I wanted him to forget about everything and just find full satisfaction.
I deepened the kiss while looking for his hands. When I found them, I grabbed them and put them on my back, so that he could touch me too. He barely touched me, so I lay on him, and made sure he felt my lower body against his, which made him moan. He started caressing my body and kiss back.
I resumed the kisses everywhere until I was facing his trousers. I took them off, took mine off too, and started doing all what I had seen in the TV while he was sleeping. I wanted him to feel as much pleasure as I was able to give him. When he came, I smiled at him. But I was not finished. I waited for him to recover before stroking his lower body again. He looked at me surprised but I smiled at him and resumed the kissing.
When I felt him hard enough, I prepared myself and I sat on him, his hardness inside of my back, and started lowering my body. I went up and down, in a slow motion at first, until I was used to the feeling, then faster. I looked at him the whole time, trying to show as much love as I could in my look.
When he came for the second time, I lay next to him and took care of myself quickly. Then I turned on my side to face him, and watched him fall asleep.
When I woke up, he was on sitting on my bed, his eyes swollen, yet still crying. He looked at me. I stared back until he found the strength to murmure :
In his eyes, there was a plea. I realized he was ashamed of himself. I didn’t want him to feel ashamed. I didn’t want to be sorry.
“I love you, hyung.”
And with that I left the room and went to take a shower.
A few hours later, when Yunho came, my brother turned his head to the wall against his bed and waited for him to leave in silence.
By chance, Yunho came with his uncle, so they didn’t last long. My brother stayed for the rest of the day.
When I went to sleep, my brother looked at me and watched me in silence until my eyes closed. I woke up very early in the morning, and the first thing I saw was my brother’s eyes fixed on me. He hadn’t moved since I fell asleep. I thought he was getting over the shock since he didn’t avoid my eyes, but when he started talking, my heart skipped a beat.
“Changmin-ah, let’s escape.”
The next weeks, we spent our time trying to find out a way to escape. We discussed about Yunho and agreed that he would never let us go willingly.
Firstly, we needed money. Yunho had the habit to come see them right after he had been paid, with his money in his pocket. He was tall, muscled, and he still had his gun at his waist, but since he was not suspicious, we could easily catch him, steal his money and leave him behind.
Then we needed to leave the city as soon as possible. But where to ? I told my brother that I wanted a big city, where there would be a lot of people, and we decided to go to Seoul. Thanks to Yunho, we learned that there was a bus that could take us there every day at 8:00 a.m. not far from where we were staying. I felt bad for him, because he was really harboring feelings for me, but I knew it was our only chance to be free.
We also decided to wait for the spring to be there, because we would not have enough money to rent a room and it was very cold outside.
We needed to take a few clothes with us, but we only had our backpacks from the day we had gone camping with our father.
We knew Yunho would bring enough food for the day with him, but it was not cooked. We usually cooked the dishes ourselves, except for the candies and chocolate Yunho gave me every now and then.
We started preparing everything and were soon ready to leave.
We repeated once more the plan the day before we planned to leave, in march, and when we finished I was so excited that I kissed my brother.
“Stop it, Changmin-ah.”
I looked at him, surprised, and he said:
“I don’t want you to do that anymore. We can’t. We’re brothers. When we are out of here, we will start over. We will find a job, and spare some money to finish school and graduate. Then we will find someone to love. Each of us. We deserve to be happy. I’m sure we will.”
I felt a twinge and I knew why. My brother was rejecting me. His responsible side had taken over his lust. I looked at him and felt the urge to say the words for the last time:
“Hyung, I love you. No matter what. Nobody will ever take your place in my heart. I will do as you said. But I want you to know that you are the most important person to me. Forever.
He smiled, and we got ready.
Yunho came as expected. We knocked him down hard and as soon as we were sure he was unconscious, we tied him up to the bathroom’s door, took his money, grabbed our bags, and left. We ran until the bus stop and waited for it. When we finally climbed, we looked at each other and let out a sigh. We were free.
The end Comments are appreciated !